Posted by seek on May 30, 2001:
when something happens to me..a horrible incident that implies my worst fear is true, etc..and this will be hanging over me.. causing me to worry about its implications, how I can ever get over it, making me go over it in my mind..trying to solve it..to make things right again...this is when I feel worst..like my life is over, that I can never live again..never have all the things I've dreamed of, and I will usually think of suicide..but when this is hanging over me..it is also the time when I am most free of obsessions bombarding me. As long as I have this worry on my mind, I am not nervous, I just feel like utter hell. If I do solve it, and reassure myself, or I eventually feel better [which always happens, no matter how impossible I feel it is to get over it(remember a couple days ago John? I've moved on..thanks to new obsessions mostly)] this is when I get really worried and nervous..I will be bombarded again and again, one after another, by the imp trying to make me give in to something it throws at me and start obsessing about it/analyzing it so I will be dragged back down into misery. This will happen like so: This image/thought will come up in my mind, and if I don't feel I'm sufficiently disgusted/repulsed, then I have the urge to check to see if I am "still the same" (not attracted, or turned on, etc. by the subject). This is the trap..because if you give in and start checking/analyzing (which I HATE doing) to reassure yourself, it will usually lead to something happening. I've noticed this - when I check to make sure about something, and I find it unappealing/repulsive/unwanted, etc., of course there will always be the urge when you are almost satisfied to check "just once more", and usually at this time, on usually your last check before you will stop, you will get a feeling that you were not repulsed/disgusted,etc. enough. So this leads you to check again.."no, that still wasn't good enough"..and again and again..and it will just get worse from there..you are being dragged in..and eventually it will be hard to get a disgusting/repulsive, etc. feeling at all..and then it feels like all your reassurance is now ruined..you then feel if you can at least end it on a somewhat repulsive check, this will be enough to stop..this can be quite hard, but you might get lucky(but it won't feel like enough, and once won't feel like enough, you want 2 in a row, 3 in a row)..but usually ends up just leading to worse, warped outcomes..you've gotta realize this and stop before things go so far something happens that destroys you for days.. has anyone else notice this process?