You should read each other's posts and see how similar they are. Both posts scream of OCD symptoms. Ligeia, you should get to an OCD specialist ASAP. You do not have to feel like this. If you can't get to the specialist, at least go to your family doctor. Tell him/her that you believe that you have severe OCD and feel suicidal. Something can be done, but you have to help yourself. Coming here for reassurance is not going to do that much good. We can offer support and advice, but you NEED medical care.
Read all the HOCD posts of John, Ryan, Jay, Straitye, Hyper, Ken, Maddmaxx, and so many others who have been on this board in the past. This is a medical disorder. Look at the stream of consciousness thought process, with each thought more horrible and anxiety-provoking. You need relief. Medicine to curb the anxiety and behavior therapy to learn how to deal with the OCD are the only answers. Otherwise, you are going to fall to pieces from stress. OCD is like a high level of stress that you can't get away from. You need relief, you need help. Only you can put that part in motion. DO SOMETHING to help yourself. Take action, and get on that phone right now to go see someone. If Hyper is brave enough to face his fears, then you can do the same. It's not nearly as scary to deal with, once you get started with medical care. I implore you to do this good thing for yourself today. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Good luck. Hang in there, everyone else.
John 16's Mom