I AM BACK

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Posted by LIGEIA on May 18, 2002:
In Reply to: To Ligeia, and Hyper too posted by John 16's Mom on May 17, 2002:
I see a psychiatrist for two months now who gave me the diagnosis:OCD sufferer.(i have told her the story-about my childhood- that i wrote in here). We dont actually do CBT. I have to do this exercise:think of my obsessions twice a day for 30 minutes at a predetermined time. When the thoughts occur during the day i must say to myself: No. It is not your time now. I will think of you later. I must also have to say: It is not you. It's OCD.
I am not on meds, even though my doctor suggested i should take some.

These days are bad. You were right straitye. Sometimes i do tell these things to myself. That makes me really depressed cause i take it as a proof of my "true" desires, that i want to deny.Is this part of the disorder?
I've read-in Dr Phillipson's articles- that creating larger spikes- than the one we have- is a good exercise.Maybe that is what i do...
You say that it's not a matter of thoughts, but a matter of what i LIKE. What if i really like these things? I can not say:OK. I may be a lesbian, but now i choose to be with my boyfriend. It's like saying: I am a lesbian but i will act on it as soon as i come out of the closet.Meanwhile i will deceive me and my boyfriend.
What if i get married? Will i have to say to my husband: I am sorry i just found out that i am a lesbian. I have to leave you for a woman.
These thoughts are so awful and painful?How can i possibly hurt that much, a person that i love so deeply, and then live with myself? I DONT WANT TO BE A FUCKING LESBIAN!!!!!!
I never had spontaneous thoughts about being emotionally involved with a woman. I dont remember seeing a woman on the street and saying:wow!!!i am really horny now. I would really like to be with her in bed.
I would really like to talk to you straitye, but there are some things that i just cant say in here.
I took the subway this morning to go to an internet cafe- just to see what you all wrote-,since i dont have internet at home.There was a little girl, sitting with her mom right opposite me. I looked at the naked legs of the child and thought:would you like to give oral sex to the child?Touch her unshaped breasts?
MY GOD!Am i that sick? I felt like vomiting...
I look at my sister and i think i want to touch her.
Maybe i am creating these things..Isn't that a proof that i REALLY want them?
What if the thoughts continue even when i start medication? What if i keep saying these things to myself? I think i am becoming a lesbian..I wont let myself act on these things, even if i want them. My parents say its ok if i am a lesbian. My best friend told me:so what if you are a lesbian?
IT'S NOT OK WITH ME!!!!IF I ACCEPT THIS THING, I WILL THEN DIE. I CAN NOT LIVE AS A LESBIAN.
God bless you all, for your help.

Follow Ups:

Re: I AM BACK Straitye May 18, 2002
Re: I AM BACK LIGEIA May 18, 2002

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>>  I see a psychiatrist for two months now who gave me the diagnosis:OCD sufferer.(i have told her the story-about my childhood- that i wrote in here). We dont actually do CBT. I have to do this exercise:think of my obsessions twice a day for 30 minutes at a predetermined time. When the thoughts occur during the day i must say to myself: No. It is not your time now. I will think of you later. I must also have to say:  It is not you. It's OCD. 
>>  I am not on meds, even though my doctor suggested i should take some.

>>  These days are bad. You were right straitye. Sometimes i do tell these things to myself. That makes me really depressed cause i take it as a proof of my "true" desires, that i want to deny.Is this part of the disorder?
>>  I've read-in Dr Phillipson's articles- that creating larger spikes- than the one we have- is a good exercise.Maybe that is what i do...
>>   You say that it's not a matter of thoughts, but a matter of what i LIKE. What if i really like these things? I can not say:OK. I may be a lesbian, but now i choose to be with my boyfriend. It's like saying: I am a lesbian but i will act on it as soon as i come out of the closet.Meanwhile i will deceive me and my boyfriend.
>>  What if i get married? Will i have to say to my husband: I am sorry i just found out that i am a lesbian. I have to leave you for a woman. 
>>  These thoughts are so awful and painful?How can i possibly hurt that much, a person that i love so deeply, and then live with myself? I DONT WANT TO BE A FUCKING LESBIAN!!!!!!
>>   I never had spontaneous thoughts about being emotionally involved with a woman. I dont remember seeing a woman on the street and saying:wow!!!i am really horny now. I would really like to be with her in bed.
>>  I would really like to talk to you straitye, but there are some things that i just cant say in here.
>>  I took the subway this morning to go to an internet  cafe- just to see what you all wrote-,since i dont have internet at home.There was a little girl, sitting with her mom right opposite me. I looked at the naked legs of the child and thought:would you like to give oral sex to the child?Touch her unshaped breasts?
>>  MY GOD!Am i that sick? I felt like vomiting...
>>  I look at my sister and i think i want to touch her.
>>  Maybe i am creating these things..Isn't that a proof that i REALLY want them?
>>  What if the thoughts continue even when i start medication? What if i keep saying these things to myself? I think i am becoming a lesbian..I wont let myself act on these things, even if i want them. My parents say its ok if i am a lesbian. My best friend told me:so what if you are a lesbian?
>>  IT'S NOT OK WITH ME!!!!IF I ACCEPT THIS THING, I WILL THEN DIE. I CAN NOT LIVE AS A LESBIAN.
>>  God bless you all, for your help.

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