Im back, sorry for posting irrelevant stuff

I dont know why my previous account got deleted, (I dont know, maybe it was my period of physcosis that drove me to post disturbing posts on this site) anyways, I am back, I must apologize to you dr.lane and this site. I am sorry, I couldnt control myself, I was so enraged, you know how folks with mental illness are, we go through periods of time when every crashes down on us and we become enraged and lose all sense of reality. I am lucid for now, I might sink into physcosis again, I lose all sense of reality and start becoming enraged with hate towards homosexuality. I suffer from HOCD, I found the best way to cope, is to cut down on anxiety, and find a girl you like to preoccupy your mind. Then when you get a spike, you can always go back to looking at that girl to re-assure yourself. I know that is counter-productive, but I dropped out of exposure, cant take it, it just fills me with panic and anxiety. Anyways, I have a little story to share, yesterday I went to get my exam marks, a homo (I know he is a homo, because everybody says he is and admits himself too) decides to take the mark update with everybody's marks on it, and takes like ten f***ing minutes to look at it, while he is suppose to post it on the wall and let us all see. So, I walk up (it was during my physcosis period) enraged with anger, and I rip the sheet out of his hands, and he decide to try to grab it back from me, so I shove him so hard he falls on the ground and I staple the paper to the cork board, he calls me a name (racial slur), so I go up to him and I almost punched him in the nose, only if it wasnt my friends who restrained me. I was ready to get into a fight right in the middle of the classroom. I was ready to beat his brains to a pulp, (homos are weak and effeminite). I wasnt afraid of anything at that time, absolutely nothing, the reckless rage burned inside me like a beast ready to burst out. By this time, everybody was staring with their mouths wide open in shock, even the teacher was too afraid to say anything, because I probably looked I was nuts, and the rage just boiled over. But I just didnt give a sh*t at that point. Now after the incident, Im thinking clearly, I knew I could have made a real mess, I could have gotten arrested for assault and thrown in adult prison (I turned 18 like half a year ago). I researched the so-called sexuality crisis, and I dont match the symptoms at all, I match HOCD and other mental illnesses better. a little re-assurance, but now exams are over, I actually failed my biology exam, LOL, I dont care, I didnt study, because I got panic attacks from this HOCD sh*t. Now its over, I am more relaxed, I love sarah more than ever, I occupy myself with heavy metal, war/cop movies, shadow boxing and paintballing. I realize, how much of the heavy metal music is about mental illness, and I feel so connected to this music. Sarah is so beautiful, I wish I had the guts to hang out with her and become friends and ask her out, but summer is here, and I dont know if I will see her again, for some reason, my HOCD fears are sinking away, (not that they are gone, they are still here), and it is turning into rage, I dont why, but I like the feeling of rage, it feels me with adrenline, my libido is somewhat back, but it is not strong, I crave enragement, rage feeds my soul, I think it is the music I am listening too, I am addicted to heavy metal, I am like angry and impatient and reckless half the time of the day, the other times, I am calm, or its this HOCD horse sh*t panic attacks. I dont get suicidal thoughts anymore, because rage just fills me so much, I want to yell out my rage, I am acting more and more reckless, I would cross a road really fast on bike, and it would fill me with adrenline, and alot of the times I even start to develop a nihilistic attitude, its like I dont give a f***k for everything. Anyways, that is all. I am so sorry for posting the sh*t I posted before, it wasnt me, it was my physcosis, I was a lunatic, I totally lost any connection with reality during that period, my mind was tortured so bad, I started to connect the HOCD fears with Satan, LOL, I am not even religious, but what the hell, I need reassurance to feed my craving or the HOCD horse sh*t kicks in again. I dont give a f*ck, I fight and fight and fight and fight, I like to fight, I dont know why, maybe I was born to fight, fighting is what I like to do. Sometimes I feel like I really lost my mind, sometimes I can be more positive, sometimes the torture is so bad, I get deppressed, but more and more I see HOCD as an enemy, and I get enraged and want to fight. Signing out.

-TheGeneral