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I'm straight, right?
Hi!
I'm a 14 year old girl and have had HOCD on and off for about 2 years now but it hit hard around 4 months ago. I had no idea about HOCD, so I didn't know what to do! I just thought I was ''turning into my true self'' since I had had these thoughts for so long on and off and now I was like ''Oh my God, it's real, I'm really turning into a lesbian''. It was awful, and I'm so glad that I found out about HOCD (I've had OCD since I was about 4) and I've now been to an OCD expert and she has diagnosed me with OCD and anxiety and I now take fluoxetine.
Anyway, I guess I just want a little help and encouragement... I have gone through pretty everything you can imagine when it comes to HOCD. My whole family knows, my moms best friend who's a lesbian knows and she feels so sorry for me but told me that NO true lesbian feels like this. I believe that God loves everyone, so no problem there, my family is fully accepting of me and my brother and they would love us just as much if either of us turned out to be gay, so no problem there either. It's just me who has problems with it. It's so... Painful. All I know is before this all started, sure I had other OCD themes, more like washing hands and contamination OCD but I know for sure I was in love with boys, dreamt of boys, wanted a boyfriend, I've had numerous crushes, I always dress up for guys, I love it when guys pay me attention and flirt with me, I guess that's just my low self esteem and confidence... And I just FEEL straight, that's why I can never really wrap my head around being lesbian, because it's just not me. It disgusts me, even though I'm totally pro-equality and everything.
Anyway, I feel like I'm on a good path now, I've stopped reading coming out stories online, etc, because I've finally realized that I have a disorder called OCD and they don't. They're just gay! And I'm trying SO HARD to stop checking, but it's so difficult.
I guess what's spiking me right now is the fact that it was so long ago since I had a crush, or really fancied a guy that I don't know if I even do anymore, but I know I WANT to fancy boys, that's for sure, but don't all lesbians want that? Ugh, this is killing me.
I just need some in put, you think I'm straight right? And this is all just HOCD?
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Hi Lovelovelove, Based on
Hi Lovelovelove,
Based on everything you describe, it sounds like you are most likely straight, but that your OCD (HOCD) is causing your brain to play tricks on you and confuse you. Nothing you described (in my opinion) suggests that you are a lesbian who just doesn't want to accept it.
As for not having any recent crushes on a guy, it may be that you haven't met anyone recently that strikes your fancy. All girls and women (and guys as well) can go through phases where they just don't meet anyone to whom they are really attracted or find interesting. You may just be in a lull, and that's normal.
You didn't mention if you had therapy with the OCD expert. If these thoughts are really bothering you a lot and disrupting your life, it would be a good idea to have therapy. Medication will help with symptoms, but doesn't help you to learn ways to manage the obsessive thoughts and compulsions.
But, if you feel like your symptoms are manageable and this was just bothering you, I encourage you to relax and know that there will be plenty of crushes in the future!
Dr. Lane
Thank you for answering! Yes,
Thank you for answering! Yes, I do get therapy from her, because this is very very distressing for me.
No, you're right. I'm not a lesbian who can't accept herself because if I was, I know I would be able to accept it! Because I've tried so hard, but I just can't because it's not me! :)
Again, thank you Dr. Lane! :)