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I'm really concerned about certain things that sexually arouse me. I consider myself all-around normal, but it seems that I get sexually aroused by defeat, particularly when competing for women. As an example, if there's a girl who I really like, who just doesn't go for me, pretending to be shy, but then is courted by an alpha male and quickly engages him and becomes sexually involved, it arouses me. If this happens at a night club, i'll end up watching from afar while she becomes promiscuous with said guy. I'll then fantasize about this guy leaving with my supposedly "innocent" friend and taking her home for a one nighter. I almost prefer this to her going home with me. I really just want to understand what disorder this is, or why I find this arousing. I'm not sure if it has to do with power struggles or subordination or what, but I'm concerned by it and need some explanation.
Dear Friend,
Clearly you are very eager and excited at the idea of being with a woman. The problem is that you are also afraid to be with a woman, and this could be for one of many reasons. But I would guess that you are concerned about being inadequate and unable to perform. Therefore you live vicariously through the experiences of other men, and your sex life has deteriorated to wistful voyeurism as you watch these couples and wish that you could be the "Alpha Male" that you observe.
The fantasy you entertain about these couples is probably very far from the reality. It is clearly not healthy for you to engage in these fantasies because it takes you further from reality, makes you more disconnected from others, and prevents you from getting what you really want, which is a partner of your own. The fantasies are the opposite of true intimacy that you both crave and fear.
Get to know a real woman and spend some time appreciating her and having an emotionally intimate relationship. It is going to be difficult at first. There are a lot of dating websites and organizations that allow you to make slow introductions, which is what you need at this point as you initially get used to the anxiety of interacting with a female. If you can't do it on your own, you should seek therapy before the problem gets any worse.
Best of luck,
Dr. Williams
Monnica T. Williams, Ph.D., Clinical Psychology
No Cost OCD Treatment: http://www.ocdproject.org